


a destination full of hope

by syllic



Category: Nearlyweds
Genre: Co-Parenting, F/F, Falling In Love, Families of Choice, Multi, Polyamory, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-24 13:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17101322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syllic/pseuds/syllic
Summary: Erin and Stella looked at her, and she could see what they both needed her to say.  It felt like the world had turned upside down in the last five minutes, but if there was one thing that Casey knew would be true no matter what, no matter what crazy alternate universe they might leap to, it was how much she loved these two women. They never had to wonder whether Casey was going to be there for them.





	a destination full of hope

**Author's Note:**

  * For [metaphasia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/metaphasia/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, metaphasia! You called this your white whale fandom; I hope this captures a little of what you love about it. These lovely women all deserve better, and I agree with you that they’re a minute away from realizing that what they deserve is each other. An AU where the final (re-)marriages don’t happen (but Erin does get pregnant with the child we see at the end).
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to S. for the beta on her birthday, and her patience in all things.

  
  
  
They had all known it was coming, so the day that Stella told them she was leaving Mark, Casey was ready with the supportive, but otherwise blank, expression that she had been practicing in the mirror for weeks.

If Casey knew any feeling intimately well, it was the sinking, awful certainty that other people felt sorry for you. Stella deserved better than the man who had seemed so perfect for her once upon a time, and Casey wanted to help her start fresh with the sense that her two best friends 100% had her back; she was sure Erin agreed with her.

What Casey had _not_ been prepared for had been Erin bursting into furious tears.

“Erin, oh my gosh, are you okay?” 

Stella seemed less worried about the end of her relationship in that moment than she did about the tears, and honestly, as crazy as it seemed, Casey could sympathize. Of the three of them, Erin was the rock: strong and stalwart and fixed to the earth. She was competent and took no shit—Casey had admired her from the moment she had met her, and every New Year’s, she told herself she’d like to be a little more like Erin the coming year.

“I’m pregnant,” said Erin.

She had her face in her hands, bent over the counter at the Dog House. Casey and Stella shared an “oh fuck” look over her head; not, Casey thought, because of the news, but because neither of them had ever really been in the position of being the calm one while Erin freaked out.

“Is that… not good news?” asked Casey, cautiously.

“I’m finishing my internship,” said Erin. She rubbed the heels of her hands across her face, as if she were annoyed at her own tears. “I have a three-year residency still to go. When am I going to have time to sleep, between a newborn and trying to become the kind of doctor I want to be?”

“Sweetie,” said Stella. “You and David will figure it out.”

Erin straightened, still wiping at the wetness on her face. Her jaw set in a look Casey had seen hundreds of times, and she said, “I… I can’t stay with David, you guys.”

“What?” asked Casey. “ _Why_?”

It was supposed to be the three of them: three June weddings and three happily ever afters. When they’d found out the marriage licenses hadn’t been filed after the ceremonies, Casey had thought… she’d thought it would be a funny story they would all tell their grandkids one day. She’d freaked out at first, sure, and they’d all been through a lot since they’d first gotten those notice letters, but as she watched Erin’s face set into the expression that meant she’d made up her mind, Casey realized she’d never really thought it would come to this. She didn’t think any of them would actually choose _not_ to get married again. She’d thought it was just a bump in the road.

“David’s a good guy,” said Erin. “And he loves me. I know he does. But last night, when I was looking down at those stripes on the pregnancy test, I thought... I thought about how absolutely _ridiculous_ the last month has been. I married a man who’s still so caught up in getting his mother’s approval that he invited her to move in with us the week after our honeymoon _without telling me_. Into my house, without talking to me about it! Who watched her feign a heart attack and went along with it instead of talking to her about what she needs, about what the two of them can expect from each other, about what it would look like for them to be adults who each have their own lives. How is a guy like that supposed to be a dad? He’s still a kid himself.”

“Aren’t you being a little harsh?” asked Casey, cautiously. “I mean, David isn’t perfect, but who is?”

Erin slumped into the stool behind the counter. “I don’t need my husband to be perfect, Casey. I need him to be someone I can _count_ on. Maybe I could have spent a few years helping him get there, but I don’t really have that luxury anymore.s hard as it’s going to be, I really want to have this baby. I want to be a mom. And I need a partner for that. I can’t have two babies in the house; I don’t want my marriage to be about helping David grow up.”

Casey was floundering for something to say. Erin and David had been together forever. They’d just bought a beautiful house. They were supposed to have two or three kids who’d want to be badass doctors just like their mom. It wasn’t that she felt David needed defending; it was that she’d always thought that if anyone could build a happy life, it would be Erin, with her easy smile and her warmth and her crazy-smart level head.

She was hoping she wasn’t gaping open-mouthed like a fish—so much for practicing her reaction in front of the mirror. She thought Stella would have something to say, but when she looked over, it was to see her nodding quietly. Casey watched as she covered Erin’s hand with hers on the counter, gave it a squeeze.

“I get it,” she said. “It’s crazy, giving up the life you thought you were going to have. But I get it.”

Erin nodded back. “I wanted to talk to you guys about it before making a decision. But just now, when you said you and Mark were breaking up… it felt like a stone was dropping onto my chest. Because David and I have talked and talked and _talked_ about this. I’ve driven myself crazy going in circles. And I can keep pretending it’s going to get better, like I’ve been doing, or... I can call it what it is.”

“Well,” said Stella, putting on the same cheerful voice that she’d used to tell Casey ‘everything looked just fine’ when she’d broken her ankle in three places in their junior year, “It just so happens that I’m looking for a roommate.”

Erin laughed tearfully. “What a coincidence,” she said. “So am I.”

They both looked at Casey, and she could see what they both needed her to say. It felt like the world had turned upside down in the last five minutes, but if there was one thing that Casey knew would be true no matter what, no matter what crazy alternate universe they might leap to, it was how much she loved these two women. They never had to wonder whether Casey was going to be there for them.

She put on the brightest smile she could, and said, “Okay. I guess we should go buy you guys some furniture.”  
  
  


\- - -

  
  
  
“Open your own business, they said,” muttered Casey as she ground chicken livers and kidneys into a paste in the kitchen. “It’ll be fun, they said. Nothing like being your own boss, they said.”

The stand mixer was broken—irreparably, Casey knew, because she’d had that thing since college, and she knew its quirks better than she knew most people’s—and she couldn’t afford to get a new one this month. It wasn’t the end of the world, but with Christmas approaching she needed to make sure the Dog House was ready for the holidays. If there was one good thing about opening a dog boutique in small-town, commute-to-Boston Massachusetts, it was the number of rich locals willing to buy Christmas cupcakes for their dogs, and Casey had to capitalize before the January slump, when the dreary weather meant people wouldn’t want to go outside.

“Case? You up there?”

“Yeah, in the kitchen!” said Casey.

Nick came bounding up the stairs from the apartment, and he grinned when he saw her.

“Hey, babe. I thought I’d come home for lunch; my afternoon’s pretty open. What do we have?”

Casey, elbow-deep in chicken parts, couldn’t do much more than raise her eyebrows.

”I mean, unless you want to eat chicken liver paste, I don’t know what to tell you, Nick.”

“Hey, testy testy! I’ll just make some PB&J.”

Casey kept grinding livers, waiting for Nick to come back up once he’d made his sandwich, but a couple of minutes later she heard the TV click on downstairs.

She rolled her eyes, more frustrated than she’d like to be; she was trying to bring more patience and generosity to their relationship. She re-directed her anger into the grinding, and before she knew it the liver paste was the right consistency. She washed her hands at the sink and went downstairs.

Nick was watching Parks and Rec on the DVR, and Casey, who had been planning to open with a ‘How are things at work?’, bit out, “Nick, what the hell?” instead.

“What?” Nick asked. He had a bite of sandwich in his mouth.

“We’re supposed to be watching this together!” said Casey.

“Come on, babe, it’s not like anything big’s going to happen. I would’ve caught you up! I just need a break; it was a crazy morning at work.”

“Yeah, Nick,” said Casey. “It’s been a crazy morning here too, in case the cursing and the liver didn’t tip you off.”

“Sorry,” said Nick. He turned the TV off. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 _No_ , thought Casey, abruptly. _I don’t want to talk about it. I want help._

She was surprised by her own thought, but immediately realized how true it was. She was exhausted. She couldn’t afford to hire people to help with the store quite yet, and she’d been chopping and grinding and baking for hours, and she was pretty sure there was a streak of liver in her hair and another on her cheek, and. She just wanted Nick to _see_ her, to see how close to crazy she felt. She wanted his first impulse to be to use his afternoon off to talk to her, maybe even to chop up some ingredients side by side with her, not to go downstairs and watch the TV show they were supposed to be watching together.

The thoughts stacked up in her head, one after the other, but she didn’t know what to say. She just stared at Nick, trying to fight stupid, irrational tears, and she waited for him to say something, but he just stared back. And it wasn’t fair to expect him to read her mind, so in the end she just said, “I have some more livers to grind.”

He opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, and she lingered at the base of the staircase in case he did. When he just sat back down on the couch, frowning, she shook her head and trudged back upstairs.

She was taking vegetables out of the fridge—she needed a liver break—when the bell over the door dinged. She walked out to the front of the store, wiping her hands on her apron, and as soon as she saw Erin, she realized she’d completely forgotten she was supposed to go with her to the doctor this afternoon.

“Oh, Erin, shoot, I’m so sorry! Let me just put some things back in the fridge, and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Erin, waving a hand. “I’m a little early; we have time.”

She followed Casey into the kitchen, and as Casey starting re-arranging things in the fridge, Erin took out one of the big containers that Erin used to store ingredients and started spooning the ground livers and hearts into it.

“The mixer finally broke, huh?” she said, looking at it.

“Yeah,” Casey answered. She blew hair out of her face. “I can probably replace it after Christmas, but not right now. Thanks for doing that, by the way.”

“Oh, sure,” said Erin. She put the lid on the container, walked the dirty bowl over to the sink, and said, “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Casey replied. 

She put the container in the fridge, took her apron off and picked up her bag. When she looked up from checking that she had her phone and keys, Erin was trying to hide a smile.

“I have liver on my cheek, don’t I?” asked Casey, remembering.

“Yeah.” Erin smiled, huge but kind, and then went to wet a paper towel in the sink. “But it suits you.”

She wiped carefully at Casey’s face, and Casey couldn’t help but smile back, frustration easing a little at the sight of Erin’s obvious amusement. They were going for Erin’s mid-pregnancy scan today, and the thought of seeing Erin’s baby healthy and continuing to grow into a tiny person was enough to get rid of the last of Casey’s annoyance.

“Casey, is everything okay?” Erin asked as they were heading to the car. “You seem really stressed.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just trying to get ready for the Christmas rush, you know? I know it’s supposed to be awesome, being your own boss, but I spend most of my time worrying I’m going to run the business into the ground.”

“You really shouldn’t worry about that anymore, Casey,” Erin said as she was buckling her seatbelt. “The Dog House has been going strong for almost two years. You keep growing your client base, and I know you’re gearing up to getting some people to help you part-time. That’s awesome! And it’s all been you. You’re not running the place into the ground, and you aren’t in any danger of doing it. You have a really good head for what you need to do, and you’re so disciplined.”

Casey wasn’t great about taking compliments, but Stella had instituted a rule after the summer: no saying anything but ‘thank you’ when the three of them told each other nice things.

“Thank you,” she said, grudgingly, and Erin grinned like she knew what it cost her to say it.

The hospital wasn’t far. Erin hadn’t wanted to get treated by her colleagues (“It’s not that there’s anything embarrassing about childbirth, but why show your vagina to someone you have to work with when our family of hospitals has an institution with an awesome obstetrics department fifteen minutes away?”), but she had picked the hospital just down the road. They pulled into the parking lot and walked through a maze of hallways to get to the doctor’s office.

Casey liked how cheerfully it was decorated; they probably wouldn’t appreciate the comparison, but it reminded her of the store at its best, when the cupcakes and biscuits were lined up in perfect pale rows of protein-heavy icing, before customers came in to mess up her displays.

Erin saw a woman she knew when they walked in, and Casey, who wasn’t wild about small talk with strangers, headed up to the desk.

“Hi, we’re here for Erin Spiegel’s 1pm appointment?”

The receptionist poked a few keys on her keyboard and smiled. “Great. We’ll just need you and your wife to fill out the 20-week patient forms.”

Casey reached out for the clipboard that the receptionist put on the desk, catching sight of her own wedding ring as she did so. She thought about correcting the woman, but just smiled at her instead.

“Thank you for getting these,” said Erin, as she came over to join Casey on the chairs against the wall. “Sorry to leave you for a second there. I didn’t think you’d want to be introduced.”

“Sorry,” Casey said, shrugging. “I know I should probably be better about meeting new people.”

“Eh, I don’t know,” said Erin. “If you want to make new friends, sure, but you don’t have to put energy into things you don’t want. You have your people right now, right?”

“Right,” said Casey, smiling at her. “The receptionist thinks I’m your wife,” she added as Erin was filling in the forms.

“That’s good,” said Erin. “I’m glad she thinks I’ve got a cute wife. When Stella comes with me to the next appointment maybe she’ll think I have a cute wife _and_ a cute girlfriend.”

“Or she’ll think you’ve left me for a hot new wife!” said Casey, laughing. “Have you _seen_ Stella?”

“Yep,” said Erin, making a face at Casey. “I’ve seen you both. I’ve always known I hit the hot friend lottery, and now the receptionist knows it too.”

 _Don’t be silly_ , Casey wanted to say, but when Erin raised her eyebrows at her pointedly, opening her eyes wide and giving her a don’t-you-dare look, she remembered Stella’s rule again and just said, “Thank you,” instead.  
  
  


\- - -

  
  
  
The Cheramoya was putting on a spring exhibit on Adolph Bandelier’s digs in the American Southwest, and Stella had invited Casey and Erin over for a sneak preview the week before it opened to the public.

Casey parked in the empty lot and made her way over to the mostly dark museum, trying not to think about how much this was like the beginning of the horror movie the three of them had been watching last week.

“Casey!” said Stella, peeking out of a side door and waving. “Over here!”

They hugged when Casey got to the door, and Stella led the way into the dim foyer. The main lights were off but the exhibit cases were all lit up, which was extremely creepy but also looked extremely cool.

“This is so amazing!” Casey told her.

“I know. I can’t believe my very first project here was on 19th-century digs. I thought when they asked me about it during the interview it was because I’d written my senior dissertation about it, but they’d actually been looking for someone to help with this exhibit for a while!”

Casey walked over to the large introductory text that was on the wall as you headed into the first exhibit room. **BREAKING GROUND: ADOLPH BANDELIER AND THE BEGINNINGS OF ARCHAEOLOGY IN AMERICA** was written at the top, and two columns of text followed. Casey hadn’t had any idea who Bandelier was before two months ago, but now she read over a story that had become familiar as Stella continued to work on the exhibit and filled them in over ice-cream and coffee as the weeks went by. At the bottom of the text, it said, _The Cheramoya Museum would like to thank the Archaeological Institute of America for its support of this exhibit_ , and then, immediately below: _Stella Smith, Assistant Curator_.

Casey traced the letters with one finger. “This is so cool,” she repeated. “I’m so proud of you, Stella!”

“Thank you,” she replied, laughing a little. 

She brushed her hair behind her ear, and Casey peered at her more closely when she saw what looked like nerves in her expression.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” said Stella, still sounding slightly weird. “Come on, let me show you around.”

“Uh, is Erin coming?” Casey asked, looking toward the door.

Stella shook her head. “I don’t think so. She was pretty tired when she left home for work this morning, and I told her I could always give her a private tour another time if she needed to crash when she got back.”

Casey nodded, intrigued by Stella’s skittish energy. She followed her to the first case, where Stella pointed out some photographs that she’d been thrilled to secure for the exhibit from a private collection; Casey knew because they’d met at Stella and Erin’s house for champagne and apple cider when she’d finally managed it.

She listened with half an ear; she’d heard a lot about each case as Stella and her colleagues planned it, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that Stella wanted to say something and was building up to it. Casey knew exactly what it was like to have to work up your nerve to blurt something out, so she smiled as Stella pointed to stuff and gave her time, trying not to freak out about the possibility that maybe she was about to say that she hated Casey and didn’t want to be her friend anymore.

“Casey,” said Stella, finally, stopping next to a free-standing case. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Uh-huh,” Casey answered, swallowing.

Stella bent down to look carefully at her face, and then laughed. “Why do _you_ look so nervous?”

“Oh god,” said Casey. “I just— You know confrontation makes me freak out, and… did I do something? I’m so sorry, whatever it was.”

“Why would you assume you did something, Casey?” Stella asked. “I wish you wouldn’t worry about this kind of stuff. You’re great. People love you. You deserve to _know_ that; you shouldn’t feel like you have to move through the world apologizing for anything.”

“Yeah,” said Casey, taking a deep breath and trying to relax. “I guess.”

“Come over here,” said Stella. She took Casey’s hand in hers and walked them over to one of the museum’s wide stone benches. 

She blew a breath out through her mouth and then turned her body toward Casey’s. “Okay, here goes. Erin and I… have been seeing each other.”

“Yeah...?” Casey said.

“No, like— _seeing_ each other.”

Casey kept looking at her, trying to understand where she was headed. Stella nodded at her, as if encouraging her to do something, and Casey shrugged, still at a loss.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, finally, as the penny dropped. “You mean you’ve been seeing each other like _dating_?”

“Yeah,” said Stella. “I’m not trying to ambush you. We were going to tell you at movie night this week, but it just felt weird walking around here for an hour showing you old shovels without saying anything.”

Casey nodded. “Uh… I just need a second to process. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” Stella replied. She took Casey’s hand in hers again, stroking her thumb against Casey’s.

Stella had always been one of the most friendly people Casey knew. When she and Erin had arrived at college and Erin had decided to rush Kappa Delta, Casey figured it would be the beginning of the two of them drifting apart. Erin had tried over and over to convince Casey that she should rush too, but Casey had never felt like the kind of person who would join a sorority, and she’d told Erin she’d be supportive, but couldn’t rush with her. She’d walked her over to the initial info meeting, trying to make the most of their time together before Erin was caught up in the whole process, but as they’d approached the Kappa Delta house, Stella had come around the corner and bumped into them.

“Hi!” she’d said, holding her hand out to Casey. “Are you guys rushing too? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m doing this. My mom has been hounding me about it _non-stop_ , and I guess… there’s no harm in seeing what it’s like, right?”

Casey had opened her mouth to say she was just walking Erin over, but by that point Stella had pulled her over to the door, and before Casey had known it she’d been wearing a nametag with an exclamation point on it and Stella had been introducing her to people while Erin watched them both with a small smile on her face, clearly trying not to laugh.

College had changed Casey completely. College with _Stella_ had changed Casey completely. She was still shy now, almost four years after graduating, but back when she’d first arrived on campus, fresh out of four years of torture in their tiny high school, she’d just wanted to get her degree, get an internship at a vet’s office, and live a quiet life. She’d never expected that she’d not only get to keep Erin as a best friend, but that she’d also gain Stella: Stella, who complimented Casey at every turn, and kept their lives full of adventure, and Stella, who—when Casey had been wondering if maybe she didn’t just think the girl who sat next to her in Bio lab was kind of cool, but also maybe kind of cute—had been the one to make sure Casey got the nerve to ask her first person out on a date.

Stella had made it seem easy, like she always made things seem easy. When Casey turned the idea of Stella’s cheerful energy and Erin’s thoughtful warmth together over in her head, she was so happy for them—but surprised, because she’d never thought either of them were interested in women.

“I guess,” she said finally, “I guess I didn’t know you even liked women? This is really good news! I’m just trying to process; I’m sorry I’m being such an idiot, oh my god.”

Stella squeezed her hand and gave her a quiet, happy smile. “Thank you. You’re not being an idiot, Case. I get it. It’s kind of been a surprise for me too.”

“Are you guys having sex?” asked Casey, and then immediately flushed and put her hand over her mouth. She couldn’t believe that was the first thing she’d blurted out.

“Yeah,” said Stella, laughing. “We’re having sex.”

And Casey was back in Stella’s sophomore room in the Kappa house, sitting on her twin bed and telling her about Amanda and talking about what making out with a cute girl might be like.

“I know this is a little weird,” she said. “But I was just thinking— remember when I first got a crush on Amanda? Before we started dating?”

“Yeah,” Stella answered. “I remember. It was really sweet.”

“You look as excited as I felt,” said Casey. “And this is _Erin_. Amanda was great, but you guys… you guys are the best people I know!”

“Aww, Case,” said Stella, letting go of her hand and pulling Casey into a hug. “You’re the best person I know too.”

Casey breathed in the smell of Stella’s coconut shampoo, hugging her tight and trying to put all the joy she felt into it.

“Are you… are you guys going to raise the baby together?”

“Yeah,” said Stella. “I mean, we’re all going to raise the baby together, right? The three of us and David. But that was kind of how it started, I guess. The two of us were talking one night about how we’d thought we’d be eight months married by now, and instead… I mean, you and Nick still have to get back to the courthouse, and Erin and I, we’re not even with the men we thought we’d married last June. But the baby’s coming, and it’s still going to take a family to raise it. Erin was saying how worried she was about what was next, and I was saying the baby already _had_ a family, you know? Erin’s never going to be alone. And I realized that part of the reason why I haven’t been freaking out that I lost a life with someone I love is because I didn’t. Erin—you and Erin—keep me full. And so I kissed her, and I think I thought it was just all the joy brimming over, you know? I was so thankful in that moment. But I knew it was more than that, straight away.”

She put her hand on her chest, over her heart, and Casey, who always cried at ASPCA commercials and sometimes even at particularly touching situations that the Charmin’ toilet paper bears got into, felt herself tearing up.

“You guys keep me full too,” she said, and she was proud when her voice only quivered a little bit. “We have to celebrate! When the baby is born, we have to celebrate both things. This is so good.”

“You’re the biggest softie I know,” said Stella, but she sounded mostly fond. She paused for a long moment and then said, “Case? Because we’re talking about it, sort of, can I ask you why… why you and Nick haven’t gone to the courthouse yet?”

Casey had a stock answer for this question: things were busy; Nick had picked up the Piedmont account at the office and was completely buried in it; Casey had been trying to work toward hiring two people at the Dog House; they hadn’t wanted to go down there just any old time, but it was hard to coordinate a day when their parents and Stella and Erin could all take off work. 

Except that Erin was starting maternity leave next month, and Stella had been going full steam with the exhibit but now it was all done, and it wasn’t like Casey had been counting down to either of those things happening in order to organize a day. She’d just stopped thinking about it—she’d stopped thinking about it _months_ ago, and Nick hadn’t said anything either.

“I think,” she said, “That when Nick asked me out after we came back here after college… I mean, I’d had such a crush on him the entire four years in high school, and he’d never even looked my way. He says he always noticed me, but we never spoke, and he was dating Anna for most of it. So he asked me out, and it felt like this incredible, unbelievable thing, you know? And when he proposed, and you and Erin were already engaged, it was like a fairytale. Three best friends, three June weddings, the guy I’d dreamt about since I was a teenager. But now, with everything that’s happened, it just feels like… well, life _isn’t_ a fairytale. And I think Nick and I are trying to figure out what life looks like when it’s not all a love story that you’re completely swept up in.”

“Yeah,” said Stella. “The end of the summer was a big wake-up call for everyone, that’s for sure.”

They two of them sat there, looking at the old shovels in the illuminated cases, and when a couple of minutes had passed in companionable silence, Stella reached for Casey’s hand again and said,

“You know that you have a home with us, right? Always. I mean, not to get cheesy about it, but that’s the real fairytale. The three of us, together through everything.”

“That’s a really nice way to look at it,” said Casey. And then, when Stella squeezed her hand, she said, “And yeah. I know I do.”  
  
  


\- - -

  
  
  
Erin gave birth three and a half weeks later.

It was a girl, which was what Casey had been secretly hoping for all along, and the sound of her wailing from the delivery room was the most amazing sound Casey had ever heard.

David and Stella were in there with Erin, but the minute Helena—Helena Rose, which was a great name; Casey loved everything about it—was bundled up and ready to meet her first people in the world, Casey was allowed in to see her, too.

She watched Stella brush Erin’s hair back from her forehead, bringing her water and stroking her arm, and they looked so in love that Casey found herself almost aching with it: a strange, powerful, sweet feeling in her chest. David had only stayed for a little while; he and Erin had agreed he’d always be in Helena Rose’s life, but Casey figured it was one thing to be ready to co-parent and another to see the woman you thought you’d married eight months ago be so painfully, intimately in love with someone new.

Casey left them to it a few minutes later. She hugged Erin tight on the way out, and Stella gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek, looking ecstatic. Casey promised she’d see them in the morning, and headed home to tell Nick all about it.

The end of the spring was full of watching Helena Rose drool on everything. Casey learned how to finagle the baby wrap, practicing until she could have Helena’s tiny body against hers in a a few seconds, and she spent every moment she could over at Stella and Erin’s, watching movies on mute when the baby was asleep and making funny faces at her to make her laugh from the moment she woke up until she fell asleep again.

And then, before Casey could even make sense of how time had passed, it was Sunday, June 4th, a year to the day from when she had married Nick. She came home from a long walk in the park with the girls to find him boiling pasta, arranging flowers in a vase on their tiny, rickety table.

“Hey, babe,” he said, and Casey realized she hadn’t really done anything to prepare for this.

The leather on Nick’s wallet had been looking kind of shabby for a while, and Casey had bought a replacement as an “anniversary” gift, but she realized she hadn’t known whether they should celebrate the wedding that wasn’t or look forward to making a new date, and she hadn’t even wrapped it yet.

“Hi,” she said, kissing Nick softly. “Thank you for doing this, baby.”

“Of course, Case,” he answered. “Did you have a good time with the girls?”

“Oh my gosh,” she said. “Helena Rose was asleep in the stroller almost the whole time, but she woke up right by the urban meadow they set up in the middle of the park, and she was gurgling at the flowers like she wanted to pick them. It was so adorable.”

“To be fair, babe,” Nick answered, “I think you think it’s adorable when she does anything. Didn’t you say it was “so cute” when she puked the other day?”

“Yeah,” said Casey. “Because it _was_ so cute, Nick.”

He laughed; his eyes creased up at the corners into the crow’s feet she loved so much. He’d been outside a lot for work this year, and while it hadn’t gotten really hot yet, the sun had begun to make him look tan, even more handsome than he normally looked.

“Come on,” said Nick. “Let’s eat.”

Nick’s cooking repertoire consisted of pasta with meatballs, grilled meat, and a taco casserole that his mom had taught him how to make before he’d gone off to college. It wasn’t exactly gourmet, but it was always a treat when he cooked for them, and Casey tucked into the meatballs with relish. She was starving.

Nick poured them wine, and they talked about Nick’s brother’s latest mishap at the business while they ate. Once they were done Nick cleared the plates, poured them both another glass, and nodded toward the couch.

“Case,” he said when they sat down. “Can we talk?”

It was stupid. It wasn’t like Casey hadn’t felt like this was coming, but when she heard those words out of Nick’s mouth it was as if all the air rushed out of the room. _He’s going to tell me he’s leaving me for Anna_ , she thought, illogically, even though Anna had married Bob in May.

 _He’s going to tell me he’s fallen in love with someone else_ , she thought. _He’s realized he doesn’t want to be with me_.

“Babe. Casey. Take a breath,” said Nick, holding his hands out toward her.

Casey did. She felt the air rushing into her lungs, but it didn’t make her feel better.

“Casey,” said Nick, a bit more firmly, and when Casey looked him in the eyes, he said, “What are you even thinking right now?”

Casey was thinking… she was thinking the same thing she always thought when they fought, that it was so improbable that she and Nick were dating in the first place, that he’d obviously get over whatever madness had made him ask her out to begin with, that there was no way this would really last, and that she had to make sure she didn’t go into it so open-hearted that she was destroyed when it inevitably ended.

She was thinking all of the things she always thought, but for the first time ever there was a little sliver of _What the hell am I even doing?_ sneaking up between the rush of panicked, overwhelming thoughts.

“I’m thinking that you’re going to leave me,” said Casey.

Nick’s eyes widened. “Case, no, come on.”

“I’m thinking that you’re going to leave me,” said Casey, “And that I’m so worried about you leaving me that I don’t have any room left inside to think about whether I want you to stay.”

Her hands flew to her mouth—she couldn’t, as usual, believe she’d actually said that out loud—but Nick didn’t look angry, or particularly hurt, or even _surprised_.

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s kind of what I thought.”

“ _Nick_ ,” said Casey, and her voice caught on it. “Oh my god, Nick, I love you so much. And you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I just don’t know if you’re the thing that I’m supposed to hold on to for the rest of my life. Oh my god. I can’t believe I’m saying this. What am I saying? Casey, what are you saying? Shut up.”

“I think,” Nick said, “That you’re saying something that we’ve both been wondering every time we didn’t use a morning to drive to City Hall.”

Tears spilled over Casey’s cheeks, and she said, “All I ever wanted was to date you. I don’t even really know who I’d be without you.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Nick replied. “I think you’d be Aunt Casey. I think you’d be Helena Rose’s funny, amazing godmother. I think you’d be Stella’s quiet place when she’s spinning like a top at the museum, and you’d be Erin’s thoughtful ear when she’s trying to work out something difficult. I think you’re this incredible woman who has been running a business that has three employees now, and helping her best friends build a family and raise a kid, and I think you’ve been doing it without me much longer than either of us would like to admit. And Casey, it breaks my heart to lose you, but I think this is exactly who you’re meant to be. And that’s a good thing.”

It was unusual for Nick to say more than three sentences in a row unless he was fighting with someone about football, or practicing a work presentation with Casey and trying to get it just right. He wasn’t a quiet guy, but he wasn’t much of a talker, either. Nick just _did_ , and he loved with his body and his actions, and Casey could imagine that finding this much that he wanted to say had taken time: time during which he and Casey hadn’t even noticed how much the other was thinking.

“I can be who I’m meant to be with you,” Casey whispered.

“Sure,” said Nick. “But we haven’t been working to build that in a long time.”

“No,” said Casey, finally. “I guess we really haven’t.”

She leaned forward, and Nick wrapped her up in his long arms, warm and tight like only he could do, and Casey let herself relax against him, and didn’t stop the tears when they kept coming.  
  
  


\- - -

  
  
  
Casey had planned to stay in the studio under the Dog House, but when Jake, the baker she’d hired, told her he was looking for a place that was affordable, Casey blurted out that the studio was available before she’d even stopped to think about where the hell _she_ was supposed to live.

There was something depressing about moping around the place; it wasn’t that she was heartbroken, exactly, but the studio had been her and Nick’s space, the place they’d struggled to pay the rent on when Casey started the business, the place where they’d eaten ramen for months and then celebrated with expensive steaks when they were finally able to price out of noodles, and there was something inherently sad about being alone there.

“I haven’t even figured out where I’m going,” said Casey, waving a rattle shaped like a T-Rex in front of Helena.

“Uh,” said Erin, from where she was making popcorn in the kitchen. “You’re kidding, right?”

And Casey _would_ have put up a fight, but what was the point of pretending she would be happier somewhere else?

She’d worried that she’d be in Erin and Stella’s way, that she’d be in the middle when they needed space to fall more in love. But it wasn’t like that at all: Casey didn’t know if they had been secretly spending hours planning how to do it, but they made living with them feel not only easy but like it was exactly where Casey belonged.

The hospital had been waiting for Helena Rose to get old enough before switching Erin’s shifts—she was long overdue among the residents, and while her colleagues had been pretty great, Casey got the sense that another month would have meant a quiet mutiny in the ranks—but the minute the baby started sleeping through the night (a little later than expected, because Helena Rose was already kind of a feisty, energetic kid), Erin started working nights.

Casey started delegating the Dog House morning routine to her staff, which meant that she was able to play with Helena until Erin came home at around 9.00, and she’d let the two of them say hi before walking Helena over to daycare on the way to work. Stella rushed out the door at eight, but usually left the museum by 3.30 to pick Helena up on the way home, and on weeks when Erin wasn’t working 48-hour shifts, they all usually had three or four hours together around dinner time.

“Should we put some pumpkins on the stoop, or something?” asked Erin, looking out at what looked like her favorite kind of crisp autumn night.

“ _No_ ,” said Stella, decisively. “Pumpkins means you have candy. Candy means kids. Kids means the doorbell. The doorbell means asshole teenagers. Asshole teenagers mean Helena Rose wakes up at 11.30 pm at night and doesn’t go back to sleep, and then there’ll be a murder at the Cheramoya the next day. ‘Sleep-deprived curator goes berserk’: that’s the headline that pumpkins will get you.”

Erin smiled down at where she was feeding Helena Rose. “Come on, Stella. You know Casey’s crazy about Halloween. Have you been to the store lately? It’s all dog biscuits iced like black cats and dog cupcakes with marshmallow ghosts. It’s intense.”

“And that’s totally fine for the store,” said Stella, smiling sweetly. “But in this house we’re boycotting Halloween until the kid is old enough to be told she _has_ to go to bed.”

Helena finished feeding, and Erin handed her off to Casey to burp while she went to change into clean scrubs. She shook her head at Stella on the way out of the room, who looked at her long-sufferingly before pointing at Casey and saying,

“You can have one pumpkin. And if there’s a midnight doorbell, you’re the one who’s staying up.”

“Yesssss,” said Casey, setting Helena on her lap and raising her little arms in victory. “Awesome.”

Erin came down the stairs, arranging things into her bag, and said, “Pumped earlier; milk in the fridge. Sweet potato and chicken purée on the shelf below.”

She leaned down to kiss Helena’s forehead.

“Bye, Helena Rose,” she said, and then she leaned up and said, “Bye, Case,” and as Casey turned her face toward her to smile, Erin put her lips against hers and kissed her.

It wasn’t one of those stupid mistimed things, with the two of them turning the wrong way at the same time and brushing lips. Erin, who was probably too out of it to realize, leaned in and pressed her mouth to Casey’s, with _intention_ , and Casey inhaled sharply into the kiss.

The two of them pulled back—way too slow, Casey thought, _way too slow_ —and Casey looked up at Erin with wide eyes, and then, with no small amount of trepidation, turned her head to look at Stella.

Stella was grinning. “Bye, honey,” she said. “Everything will be fine here. See you tomorrow afternoon.”

Erin smiled (was no one going to say anything? Should _Casey_ say something? Oh god), and brushed the peach fuzz on Helena’s head back before bending down to kiss Stella and heading for the door.

“Bye, Case,” she said, waving as she went and smiling wide. “See you in the morning.”

Casey kept bouncing Helena gently on her knee, almost mechanically, unsure what the heck she was supposed to do, and Stella—Stella stood up and gathered up the bowls from dinner, and laughed gently when she passed Casey on the way to the kitchen.

Casey stood up. She swung Helena around to rest on her hip, and she followed Stella into the kitchen.

“Stella?” she asked.

Stella finished loading the bowls into the dishwasher, and then she walked over to Casey and Helena. She lifted one hand and put it gently on Casey’s cheek, and she looked right into her eyes and said,

“I don’t think she meant to do it without warning you. She was pretty flustered; it’s been a lot of 48-hour shifts lately. But we… we’ve been meaning to do it. With a warning, that is.”

Casey actually felt the lower part of her jaw drop a little, and she stared stupidly at Stella and said, “What?”

“Casey,” she said. “No pressure. I mean— _no pressure_. We’re a family no matter what. But… if you want, and only if you want, then… we want.”

“I want,” breathed Casey.

It was just like all the other times in her life when her mouth had betrayed her, forming words she hadn’t meant to say before she could stop, but saying this now felt like warmth, and relief, and happiness, and home.

Stella grinned, big and beautiful, and Casey watched her smile get closer and closer and then shut her eyes against the soft pressure of Stella’s lips against hers.

Helena Rose was gurgling happily—oh god, they were kissing in front of the baby, but how else was this supposed to go? This was what life on the other side of the fairytale looked like, Casey thought: it smelled like baby and it happened in a kitchen with a dirty food processor and it was knowing that you were exactly the person you were meant to be, in the place where you belonged. 

This was what it looked like, and it was perfect.

“I want,” Casey repeated, mumbling and smiling against Stella’s lips, and she felt Stella smiling back.


End file.
